I love this song "Born to Fly" that I got on a CD from my lovely friend Lucy on my birthday "Freedom is not a place that you go, but is a feeling inside...kind of like you're flying..." We were born to fly! Some of us are more free-spirited than others--we don't like structure and would rather hitch hike across the country than buy a bus ticket. You get my drift...yes, drifters. They are people who wander--go from place to place searching for freedom, or what they think freedom is. "Looking for the next fix..." as Lucy summed up vagabonders. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I just finished a 54 day rosary novena, and one of the things I prayed for was deliverance based upon a verse in the book of Tobit. Whether we know it or not, we all have spirits, or blocks, to our happiness and true fulfillment. Some of who are very self aware see them, and some of us, well the majority of us, just accept them as natural parts of who we are. That is where it gets tricky--when we accept our demons as who we are. We embrace our darkness.
Through this novena I have felt so many different emotions...it started out as a cleansing experience, where I felt like I could see my future differently. I started to dream again! My heart had a new hope and I felt like a transition was occuring. I quit my job and was in high hopes of finding my dream job or next adventure. I wanted the freedom of a new beginning--a new dawn to arise. I wanted an adventure. Man, I just wanted to travel. I wanted to take a big hiking stick and wear a bright red woolen cardigan and trampse through heathered moors. But the thing is, as lighthearted and innocent my travels may have seemed in my head, I knew there was something deeper in my vagabonding--I was searching. Searching for what? My destiny...a place that feels like home...a sense of belonging...adventure, Heaven on Earth. (my dad's opinion!) I guess, I always just expected to stumble upon my vocation, like--"Oh hey, there you are! I almost tripped over you as I was scaling this mountain!" I didn't want to wait and find my future hub or my life's mission: I wanted to find it in the midst of adventure.
So, this ache...this longing to be in Europe...to travel...to vagabond...to be free...it was grasping at me ever so tightly. Lincoln felt like a cage, and I felt eternally trapped in it. I had several people I dearly admire and respect spiritually tell me that I will find my vocation here--not "out there." They told me to say yes to God here (in Lincoln) and to wait on the Lord...to find my joy in the little adventures in the town I've lived in for almost 25 years. "God is in consistency. He wants us to make roots. Eventually, you need to think about your vocation. There is great risk in going off and doing random things all the time." To me...this was a clipping of my wings, and ugh, it hurt! I wanted to soar and live outside of the box, and be somewhere else, dangit! I have friends who are missionaries telling me "Just accept this Rachael!" but yet, I couldn't. I'm a stubborn Bohemian! And I would reply "Easy for you, your a missionary!" Yeah, bitterness was coursing through the veins. So what am I jabbering about? What is the lesson?
As a wise stranger came up to me at St. Pat's last weekend as I was praying and despairing said, "Don't run ahead of the Lord." Yep, a random stranger actually came up to me and told me her whole life story--about how she got in her car and was travelling around the US looking for "her peace"--for somewhere to live and be happy. Hmm...sound familiar? She tried Southern Indiana, Knoxville TN (she heard it was a fun place), and ended up in Grand Island living at a homeless shelter for 2 weeks. Her name was Ruth--and she was like Ruth in the bible, as she was on a journey away from her homeland to find another. Ruth was very angry at herself, and said she wished she would've stayed home, and not blew all her savings on travelling and searching. She gave me a lot of advice such as "Marry a good Christian man and have lots of babies" which I politely smiled at, but what I could see the most in Ruth was a deep sadness as she longed for stability, and a place to rest her head. I recognized it, as I too felt so hollow and empty after wandering around too. She told me to not run ahead of the Lord, and to not look for my destiny "out there"--"It's right here!" she insisted. I had an Italian Carmelite priest give me the exact same message two months earlier. Why must it be here, Lord? Can't it be fifty miles away even? Why Lincoln? And how long? Not my whole life, surely?! Yes, this is my battle. Acceptance and detachment. Acceptance of God's will...and detachment from my own. Fiat.
I want to give everything to Jesus, I would
fling myself off a cliff (spiritually) and live off Providence, and do
all manners of crazy devotions of love to PROVE my trust, and yet His
desire is for me to TRUST HIM by giving Him all my desires. By
sacrificing. By consenting to Lincoln which in my head equals
mediocrity, so that I can surrender my will fully.
A saint I really love is St. Gemma, who desired to be a Passionist nun so ardently, but the Lord never fulfilled that great desire--he instead asked her the greater sacrifice of living in the world and being a lay woman. In fact, I think the reason I feel a closeness to her is I share the same cross. I, too, want to be a missionary (like St. Therese) and would give anything to live radically for the Lord RIGHT NOW, but yet I feel like Jesus is challenging me. "Rachael, if you REALLY want to love me, then stay where you and accept the blessings and the crosses here. Love your family. Love your friends. Glorify me in the little ways. The world may never see your fire, but I do. And if you really love Me, you'll rest in my heart and give me these great desires, and I will burn them away in the fires of My Passion." He finds it more pleasing when we submit...when we sacrifice, when we love until it hurts. You see, the people He calls to the missions or to leave family/friends and go live off Providence are making a costly sacrifice...many of them feel this call, but may fight it. Perhaps they are comfortable where they are, with a great job and security, and don't want to be impoverished and unknown. Yet, the ones who desire this kind of lifestyle (ahem) are asked to be still, and remain where they are. Why? The paradox of the Lord, I suppose! But truly...we are all made differently. The Lord Alone knows what we want, what fuels us, and what pains us more than anyone. He knows what will be the most costly and when He asks us to come and follow Him, it very often requires an offering--an offering of our very lives. So, to stay in Lincoln--to give up my "freedom" is painful. It is no easy thing. And yet freedom...can only be found in Christ. My travels...my terms...my dreams...yes, they may "feel" free, but I am only free if I am free of all desires and conditions. The key is to put this "trapped feeling" in the light of Christ and to understand where this restlessness stems from, and then I will feel true freedom. The freedom is not in externals, but it is in Christ who uproots all our demons and throws them in the blazes of His Love. We are His Beloved, and when He says "Be Free!" He means it.
Alleluia!
