I feel an urge to write today. I just spent the afternoon with my best friend, Erika. We started the morning off with mass, then headed to my house where we reheated leftovers and talked about our lives. Then we proceeded to move to a different location to talk sum' mo! Oh, how I could spend all my minutes on Earth talking to people--delving into the hearts and souls of fellow travelers to Heaven. A single conversation can be a road marker pointing you in the next direction--an opportunity to learn, and with Erika it often is. She sees my heart and understands my desires for I believe we were knit from the same Heavenly cloth. We drove around helplessly looking for a coffee shop, and then I told her I was just gonna drive and "see what happens." We ended up at the Sunken Gardens, with my burnt coffee and her Ben and Jerry's. I was so restless--not being able to find a spot to sit and give her my full attention. The beauty around me was not penetrating and I was trying to savor a moment that felt half there. Do you ever have those days? Where you are surrounded by your best friends, beautiful scenery, all that should fill you on a material level, but yet your spirit craves more? And you know that there is such a huge hole that needs to be filled that you're daunted by the task. Erika and I were discussing our hearts' desires (what else?!) and I told her my emptiness...how God is leading me on the way of abandonment, and how no matter how hard I look or search, the search is fruitless. I told her I can no longer search, but simply need to wait for Jesus to put it right in front of me. My heart got broken in the last year going halfway across the world, only to show up in the same place I've always been, and yet I know that even though I have come full circle (literally!) it is apart of the journey--it was pre-destined.
I want to be completely solid that if God leads me out of this country again (Jesus, I pray you do!) it will be completely His doing. I want His full prompting. And you know, I believe He will do it. I believe that HE is going to take me somewhere. I believe I am going to be led to a new land. I believe these things because in the quiet of my soul He has promised me the return of joy. I believe a new dawn is awakening, because He whispers this when I pray. I believe it because it is written on my heart. I yearn for the heathered moors of Yorkshire...I yearn for the chants of Russian Orthodox choirs...I yearn for the mist of the Umbrian hills. I want to follow the Spirit to the ends of the earth--just like the apostles. I think I have a traveler's heart--a pilgrim's heart. And Carmelite spirituality (an ancient way of life inspired by the hermits on Mount Carmel, dating back before Christ) teaches that our life on this earth is an ascent up the mountain to the Heavenly City...it is a pilgrimage. I identify with this--I can see I am also a traveller in the spiritual sense. Oh, Lord how much longer until you uproot me into new soil, for only you, the skillful gardener, can take this plant and put it into new soil! I do not know what you want to do with me, as I feel no desire to do anything but your will, which is vast and unknown. I feel led to nothing, but also led to your embrace, which holds everything. There is no singular desire to do anything but live in your heart, and that is not something I can Google or get a degree for.
Our world is darker than ever...and all I want to do is pray, pray, pray--and become more bold in the face of the New Age, abortion, materialism, and the attack on marriage--and on everything that is Godly. I want to fight--I want to go out and be a warrior for the Kingdom. Yes, that is my heart's desire, and I yearn to do this while resting in the secret places of the Spirit. I want to be a contemplative prayer warrior. Gosh, what a rant. It is good to stir yourself and identify your true desires, because there are false dreams inside of you that shake and rattle for attention, and we must discern their fruits. Is this leading to joy or confusion? We have to rebuke our false selves! This only can come through prayer and fasting. Fasting is so essential to strip your spirit of its falsities...we cannot see clearly or think clearly unless we have the spirit of self control and of surrender. Speaking of fasting--it is Sunday and I am starving. I am going to go feast on veggies cooked in olive oil and cheese.
I need to give God my all this week--and how do we do this? Give God are all? Well, I suppose it comes down to being vigilant--waking up with Him on your mind, and begging the Spirit to work through you all day long. To call upon Heavenly assistance constantly--to devote yourself to the Mother of God, the Queen of Mercy, who distributes graces to the poor and needy of spirit, by giving her a portion of your day (a rosary? perhaps, a meditation on her sorrowful heart?) Remembering the Heavenly courts...and the elders, and the angels who constantly chant "holy is the Lamb!" day and night. Agnus Dei...Yes, it is a constant begging of graces. I can do nothing good on my own without second by second Heavenly aid.
Mother Angelica cracks me up--she said in her wonderful show, Mother Angelica Live, that when Our Lady appeared to St. Catherine Laboure, her hands were full of diamonds and gems falling to the ground. She said these were all the graces she yearned to give to souls (from her Son) and she said they fell to the ground because NO ONE was asking for them. The stream of graces falling from the hands of our Lady is CONSTANT. It never stops! Look at a miraculous medal--do you see the rays? Those are the graces! And Mother Angelica said, "Man if that would have been me Our Lady appeared to... I woulda said 'Gimme all you got!' Oh Lord, I thought that was hilarious. And so real! Yeah, I'm a grace hog too--I want em all Lord! And so when I receive Jesus, Body and Blood, daily in the Eucharist, I also say to Him "JESUS! Give me all you got!" and He has been giving me many graces--patience, peace, and a deeper desire for Him during times where normally I'd be pretty much despairing. It is all grace--and trust me, I need more.
Okay, I really need to go--I'm still starving. But remember, the real food is His word...His life within us. So next time your soul is starving...is restless...remember, that the ONLY way it can be filled is His still, small voice inside of you. This voice is the secret to LIFE, and it will guide you on your journey home to Heaven. This voice knows what your true heart's desire is, and it has been there since your earliest of days...was it not inscribed on your heart in the womb? Go back to your child hood and you will see--the times spent in the fort, the secret wanderings through bushes and climbing up trees, the hidden hours in your room whispering to your dolls and toys--what were you saying? What was your heart thinking? What did you love as a child? God sees you not just as who you are now, but who you were as a CHILD and who you will be on your death bed and throughout the entire span of your life. God does not see you in this limited space of time we call the present, but in your entirety-your full potential. And as a child, you were at your purest state-- untainted, wild, and innocent. This is where we find our true heart's desire--in the freedom of a child's heart. Go back to that place--your childhood, and seek answers there. I've heard this idea before, and I was reminded of this today by my best friend Erika. She told me the church we were praying in smelled like her childhood home, and it evoked memories of playing in forts and hiding in trees writing down her musings. This made me smile, and I understood that she experienced spiritual childhood--where the Spirit brings you back to your truest self, you as a child, and reminds you to become a child again. So, I encourage you, faithful reader, to find something nostalgic (smells trigger the most memories!) and spend a few moments back in your childhood. Dig through a box of family photos...smell your parents closet (I used to play dress up in my mom's closet all the time), watch an old home video, ask your parents...or maybe say a prayer that God reminds you of your childhood! But go back, and bring something back with you that reminds of who you truly and uniquely are. Amen.
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