So, i am quite pleased because this weekend has allowed me to wallow in my introversion! We had massive snows here in Lincoln, and it has melted quite a bit even since the morning. Here is a few pics of my parent's neighborhood:
(Ex-nay on the pics...apparently i had no memory card in the camera, so they are all saved onto the camera. Do i need to buy a cord now?)
I hate technology, yet, I've been utilizing the heck out of it. God has been pushing me in new directions this week! I went on a walk on our sixty degree day, after work, when I would have rather have been lounging at my house making a snack, or perhaps heading to pray in the chapel. I had a chunk of free time (an hour and a half) in late afternoon, which is so rare, and I wanted to truly ask the Holy Spirit, "What do YOU want me to do?" I heard "Go on a walk." I was shocked...go on a walk? But it's February. Well, it is nice out...but...I mean, walks are kind of boring in Nebraska. There is nothing to see in my neighborhood. Oh well, I guess I need it!
I took forever getting ready, and finally launched out the door, only to realize that I could drive my car to walk somewhere else...now that was a fun option! So, I drove three blocks away (LOL) to my local church, and walked around Lake Street Park...and I kid you not, it was the most awe-inspiring walk in years. I listened to Beirut "Nantes" and "Sunday Smile" and felt my soul suddenly become light. I looked up at the trees, and smelled the air, so fresh and cool. I shoved my hands in my pockets and started to sway to the music, and felt a new feeling...yet, an old feeling. (a contradiction, but a truth)...
I felt a sense of re-awakening in my spirit. I suddenly was transported back to Europe 2009, walking through the forests outside Brno, listening to introspective music, feeling slightly vulnerable as I was alone, but also extremely alive. I heard the word, "trailblazer", in my heart. I recognized this old feeling that was popping up again--it was a thrill--like the first time you do something you really love. It felt novel, but it was just a walk through my neighborhood! But my heart felt that old feeling of being in Europe on a solo adventure. Vagabonding. Walking trails in unknown places. Striding confidently. Heart lifted. Eyes full of wonder. Heart singing.
When I went to Europe for the second time, 2010, this "old feeling" was entirely void. I felt lost...uninspired, and full of fear. I didn't have that awe I had the first time I went to Europe in 2009. I was seeing it all through the eyes of someone who was trying too hard...who was looking for something she couldn't define. My heart was clouded and heavy. I didn't see the beauty anymore; I just saw everything as a challenge--a struggle. I was on my guard, but even though I felt cautious in my heart ("Don't make a mistake!") I took major risks. I went to the Balkans alone. Why? Well, I yearned to see Medjugorje, the catalyst for my conversion, but I also wanted that sense of adventure back. I guess you could say, being an adventurous free-spirit is an essential part of my identity. When I lived in Craig Lodge, I felt stifled. I was in Scotland, my dream location, but I was restless. I was "stuck in a retreat house" and didn't feel any sense of myself there. Every day when I steamed bed linens, I would stare at a picture of Medjugorje on the laundry room wall and dream about "getting there"--this ideal location where supernatural things happened, and where my soul could feel alive again. I needed an adventure. I was even looking at Italian language books in Craig Lodge's bookcases-- feeling longings to go to Italy and live in the Tuscan hills, or perhaps crash in Brescia with my Carmelite friends. Anywhere but this remote retreat house...where I felt trapped.
What was strange and unexpected about my Craig Lodge experience was this: I loved Craig Lodge in the past. When I visited two years prior for two days on a backpacking trip, I fell absolutely in love. Craig Lodge immediately fit my ideals: remote, Catholic, charismatic, old world, charming...it was the Highlands at its finest. It was a country get-away that would restore my spirit and help me to discern God's will. I longed for solitude and contemplation with God...in misty hills full of heather. I longed to live in a house with the Blessed Sacrament. I longed to just... retreat. When I got there, I realized that I was living with ten other people...24/7. This was no place to be a hermit. I was here to work and pray--but communally. My idyllic dream suddenly became a dull reality. I was here to be tested.
At this point in my life, the idea of living "in community" (or commune) was not in my mind's eye--in fact, I really didn't even understand that people came to Craig Lodge for community. I was like "What's community?" I was surprised that I lived with a bunch of light-hearted, raucous young adults from all over the world (pretty much half Americans/half Brits). When I visited Craig Lodge in '09, the community was very international (French, German, Austrailian, Polish, Irish) -- a different vibe than living with five other Americans. I admit, I was disappointed to live with so many Americans--I wanted a multicultural experience. I was in Europe for a reason! Now I laugh--I would have it no other way and love every single loud American I lived, worked and prayed with, and often affectionally called Craig Lodge, "The Real World...Catholic." (like MTV, get it?)
One thing that did intrigue me was the question of "Who am I living with?" I was genuinely curious about each and every single person's story. So, I made comments like "Oh, what's your story?" or "Isn't it weird that we live in a retreat house in Scotland? In the middle of nowhere? I mean, you'd have to be a different kind of person to choose that!" I expected dramatic things like "Yeah, I want to be a Carthusian monk." or "I needed to become one with the Earth." (kidding) But really, I think I expected a group of quiet, almost stoic people who came to be in solitude--something almost, oddly hermit like. I mean we WERE in the middle of nowhere and it fit the "mold" in my head of people who choose to live in a retreat house.
Well, the funny thing was: we all came for such different purposes. I suppose I came for the dramatic "hermitage" experience-- go to a wild, remote place...a romantic escapade with God. It was a bit idealized as I said--I had a lot to learn. I think others came for more wise and logical reasons: to get healing and to get closer to Jesus. The fundamental purpose of Craig Lodge Community was surprisingly hospitality and healing. I was surprised--I realized I came to Craig Lodge with the wrong intention--I was almost looking for escape. I had saved all my pennies, delayed relationships, and pretty much savored a dream in my head for two years. I had created an ideal in my head. I was stunned over the shock of losing my dream, and also I had no idea what I was going to do if God was calling me to leave Craig Lodge. I was lost.
Looking back, I can see myself and I just want to give myself a big hug. I bought a one way ticket over to Scotland, with no return way home. Yep, the term "lost little girl" is not an understatement. I had no money in my bank account to bring me back to Nebraska, and not only that--I didn't want to go home just yet. I saved all my money and dreamt about this experience for so long that to return to Nebraska would be admitting defeat. I knew there must be something else for me to do in Europe! So in my hour of free time we got each week, I was nervously and frantically contacting all my Europe contacts: (my HLI friend in Vienna, Carmelite priest friend in Italy...Polish friend in Czech Republic), and also trying to forge a new plan--contacting pro-life contacts in Edinburgh to see if I could find a job. I didn't want to go home, dangit! And i certainly didn't have the money to buy a one way ticket at the last minute. Looking back, I can see the foolishness in my behavior. Does the Spirit usually work in frenzy and haste? Last time I checked, the Spirit is peaceful and tranquil. In fact, I would say in majority of circumstances, the Holy Spirit builds upon other events, and works quite gradually. I was forcing something and it felt chaotic.
In the end, I decided I needed to go to Medjugorje. I felt I needed to run to my Mother (The Blessed Virgin Mary who has appearing in this small Bosnian village for 30 years), because I had no answers and nowhere to go. She would welcome me. (Well, I wasn't thinking of it this way to be honest, I was more thinking: Fine, I need a miracle. I'm gonna go LIVE in Medjugorje.) Yep...LIVE. I am not an extreme person at all... ;)
I was reading Sr. Emmanuel's ("Hidden Child of Medjugorje") and she wrote much about Divine Providence...and depending on it for miracles. She even cited a story about St. Joseph, and how a convent once ran out of milk, so they slipped a drawing of a milk jug into his statue at their convent. About a day later, their doorbell rang only to find a man holding a cat. The sisters eagerly accepted the cat, but were confused...they needed milk! "We need milk!" the sisters yelped. The man grinned, and said "Why I have plenty!" And brought over many containers of milk. I thought this story was delightful, so I did the same thing...I drew a picture of me travelling to Medjugorje. I drew a picture of a "free ride" and other things...and I distinctly remember a chocolate bar, (I mean, if he's so generous and quirky, than I may as well ask!) and other things. I drew a picture of an airplane, and it said "a way out"...it is strange how much St. Joseph delivered. (see Medjugorje story)--by the way, this post has yet to be written!
Why did I go into my past so deeply just now? Well, I would say for starters, it is part of my present. I am feeling a new feeling in me. For the past year, I have wanted to go back to Europe--I was back to idealizing the place that caused me so much turmoil. But I was in a back and forth battle--on one hand, I missed Europe and desired to live there so strongly but on the other hand, I had many religious and holy folks telling me to stop searching and travelling all the time. Stay here in Lincoln. Form roots. It's right here, Rachael. Don't be risky. I even felt God abandoning me...I didn't feel Him. I had a hollowness in me--there was nothing there to dream for anymore. I didn't want to get my "hopes up" again--and even looking for different opportunities abroad always drained me. It was a road that led to nowhere. So I stopped dreaming...I stopped fantasizing...I accepted my reality in Lincoln and I tried to let go. I tried to surrender. I tried. I tried. I tried. And through all this hard work of self-surrender to the will of God, I realized one essential ingredient was missing from my abandonment to divine providence: hope. Oh dear me, hope was gone. I had no hope that my lot would change or that my soul would sing with joy again. I was resigned to the will of God, but I was devoid of hope. I was accepting...but I was heavy.
Oh, I am not trying to paint myself as some morose, depressed person who never laughs or enjoys life. No, the Lord gave me so much in Lincoln this year--about five new friends and a deeper appreciation for my town. I found new hobbies (cooking, thrifting)...and discovered you can find contentment just about anywhere. But this hope thing--yes, I definitely lost it somewhere between Scotland and Wyoming. I was afraid to ever make a move again--afraid to make a mistake. My dear aunt Carol told me that the Holy Spirit told her that I am afraid of failure--which is entirely unhuman. Humans are made to fail, period. We are made to make mistakes. We are "little ones" and the closer we get to God, the more we understand, we are not perfect, but rather are full of imperfections. We rely on God for everything! And so, as I was afraid to be out of step with God's will, I was forming a wall of fool-proof discernment around me: I didn't want to feel the crash of failure smacking my face like gritty pavement again. I avidly started to study Discernment of Spirits, and started to become perceptive to things that brought me peace and joy. I didn't want to be wrong again! I started to downplay my desires again, and started to just kind of wait around until God told me to do something. The problem was: God wasn't really speaking so loudly at this point in my life. He was hidden. So, I kind of just fretted about how much I needed to know answers. I was waiting for God.
What a weird year. What lessons I've learned about myself! I would say I came to an understanding about God a few months ago: He loves patience. As I was watching the snow fall silently the other night, I realized that a silent, slow snowfall at midnight is much like our Lord and His revelations: they come slowly, quietly, and when you least expect. A snowfall is astonishly beautiful and contemplative, yet also playful. It is like a child; as it brings out the "little one" in you as you twirl and gleefully spread your arms in its shower. It's one of God's delights, and it is a great vision of who God is. I stood in the middle of my street in holy awe. Snowfalls are romantic, just like God.
I need to go and finish eating my spaghetti squash and meatballs. Man, I had a heck of a time cooking that last night! I was furious actually--as my little meatballs kept crumbling and losing it's ball shape. The little buggers wouldn't brown, and the pan was getting all burnt and crispy. I was pretty disheartened and realized how hard I can be on myself. I should as a "little one" of Jesus, expect to fail at everything without His grace, and I admit that my pride is still making itself very known. Perhaps the Litany of Humility should become a daily devotion for me...oh, and asking the Holy Spirit for wisdom--in my opinion, the greatest of God's gifts.
"Therefore I prayed, and prudence was given me; I pleaded, and the Spirit of Wisdom came to me. I preferred her to scepter and throne, and deemed riches nothing in comparison with her, nor did I liken any priceless gem to her." (Wisdom 7:7)
Dear Lord, please give us Wisdom, to help us know the paths in which you want us to walk. Lord, you know that a man's path is dark and full of traps, so please send us Wisdom, for "who ever knew your counsel, except who you had given Wisdom and sent your Holy Spirit from on high?" (Wisdom 9: 17)
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